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This is a personal piece about how I went from being someone with very low self-esteem and self-worth, to a counsellor specialising in body image and eating disorders. I hope it may help others who may want to train to be counsellors, or for those struggling with self-esteem and body image problems, or for anyone who might just be interested in reading the journey. I grew up in the Midlands in the Eighties and Nineties, what I would think of now as working class but I never considered that back then. From as young as I can remember, I didn’t like myself very much. I hated my body, and I knew I had to try and make myself thin to be loveable. I was a very quiet, shy child who found it difficult to speak up. A lot of people were very mean to me, both other kids and adults. I didn’t think I was particularly good at anything and didn’t think I was worthy of love.  Me, approx. 10 years old I first had counselling myself when I was about 19 after I'd dropped out of university. I’d never expected to go to uni in the first place. I just didn’t consider it an option for me and it felt like a fluke that I got in. I thought people like me didn’t get to go to university or go travelling. I went a bit wild at uni and then it all fell apart in what I described in my journal as having a “breakdown”, though I didn’t have the language around mental health back then. I never considered therapy as an option as I thought it was just for rich people. My mum encouraged me to go and kindly paid for some sessions, but I felt guilty. I felt as if I didn’t have real problems and was wasting the therapist’s time, especially when it cost so much money. I didn’t understand what therapy was, but it must have sown a seed for later. Little did I know that this counsellor, Jenny, would also play a very important role in my counselling training journey almost twenty years later. In my later twenties, after many years of trying to build up the courage to leave the Midlands, I went to Australia. It was the most terrifying moment of my life (for me but likely also for my mum!) I never expected I could ever do something like that, but thanks to some supportive friends and family, I started believing in myself enough to give it a go. I ended up travelling and living abroad for five years; almost two years in Australia, two and a half years in New Zealand, and also South East Asia and India. There isn’t enough time or words here to explain how much these experiences changed me. Call it escapism, but I needed to get away to start healing and building myself up. I did all the things I never thought I could do as the fat non-sporty girl from the Midlands; skydiving, white-water rafting, bungee swings, jumping off cliffs… It was all good fun but ultimately the most valuable and life-changing parts were all the people I met, the sense of freedom and empowerment, experiencing different cultures, and the deep reflective work I did (in India particularly). I certainly didn’t come back fixed, but I came back ready to start proper therapy.  I’d worked in hospitality up until then, so I wanted to do something more meaningful and get into the charity sector. I got an admin job working for a counselling charity, where I became the office manager a year later. I ended up working there for nine years; it was such a valuable experience for my future career. I had a vague idea about being a counsellor one day, but again I didn’t believe I could actually do it! I didn’t see myself represented in that world. At this point I’d only ever known counsellors who were middle-class and well-educated; I didn’t even have proper A-levels so I didn’t stand a chance. I put therapists on a pedestal as wise, all-knowing, well-to-do people, to whom I felt hugely inferior. I remember seeing copies of Therapy Today (the BACP journal) lying around and thinking, “They’re not for me – I’m not clever enough to read those.” Fast forward ten years and I was published in that very journal. That still feels quite surreal! I knew I wasn’t ready to be a counsellor yet – though the question of when anyone ever knows when they’re ready is debatable! When is anyone ready, really? For the next several years, I had therapy a few times on and off (as much as I could afford) and I read a lot of stuff about feminism, trauma, body image, eating disorders, and more. I got an extra job working for an eating disorder charity, and I had other jobs/freelance work too. It became a running joke for people around me that I always had four jobs… as if it were by choice. I needed money and experience. Working for a counselling organisation showed me the realities of being a counsellor, so when I started seriously considering training, I didn’t want to rush the process. I wanted to fully lean into it and be challenged and experience every moment. I still didn’t fully believe in myself but I did enough to give it a go. I started with a 10-week introductory counselling course, just to dip my toe in the water. Of course, as soon as I did that I was hooked! I went on to do a one-year Certificate in Counselling and Psychotherapy. This was in Bath, which placed me in a particularly middle-class therapy world. I never fully felt like I fit in, but the course was fantastic and the therapy I had alongside it (and beyond – 3 years with the same therapist) was eye-opening and transformative in my understanding of myself. The college in Bath was very expensive, so I couldn’t afford further study there, so I decided to do the very thing I thought I never could… go back to university and do a degree. I was offered a place at the University of South Wales (Newport) and applied for a student loan. That’s when it nearly all came to a halt… student finance told me I couldn’t be funded for all three years of my degree. I’d already “used up” two years when I previously went to uni almost twenty years before. I'd only been there for a year but because I stayed and enrolled for a second year, it took that year of funding away from me. I started a “compelling personal reasons” appeal based on having dropped out due to mental health problems (plus it being a very long time ago). Remember Jenny - the very first counsellor I mentioned I had when I was 19? This is where she comes back into the story. I needed to “prove” that I’d had mental health problems so I had to call on some people for help. Luckily, Jenny still lived in the same house which she practised from and still remembered me! She kindly wrote a letter to confirm that I had sessions with her. She was still a counsellor, despite being in her eighties. She sadly has since passed away. Thank you Jenny, I’ll always be grateful. Between Jenny, other kind helpers, and a very compelling personal statement from myself, it worked! Student finance granted funding for the whole three years. I was so relieved, I don’t know how else I would have done it otherwise as other courses in my area weren’t accessible to me due to either finances or due to being post-graduate level. At the time, I was reflecting on class and was angry at the “elite” nature of the counselling world, I wrote some ranty blog posts here if you’re interested! I’ve kept some of these older blogs on here, even though my views/language may have changed now and I feel like a different person. It was, and is, all part of my journey and I have to allow myself to get things wrong. It’s all part of me being OK with not being perfect, and instead feeling “good enough”.  My degree was Integrative and Pluralistic, though I had no idea what that really meant, probably for most of the course! I felt more like I belonged and fit in as my course was a lot more diverse than my previous one. It became increasingly important for me to learn about intersectionality, class and privilege. I continued to learn about eating disorders, domestic abuse, and body acceptance through this lens. I recognised that I had an interest in working with perpetrators of abuse, though again never imagined I could do that! Shortly after I got a job on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme doing group work (a real pinch-me moment) and since qualifying I’ve trained to work with sexual offenders. The journey into becoming a counsellor may be more challenging if you're working class, and/or from a marginalised community. For me, it wasn’t just about financial struggles, it was about what “people like me can’t do”. I had to build evidence to prove myself wrong over many years. Therapy has historically been a middle-class world but I see ways in which this is now starting to change with some practitioners and trainers doing some amazing work in the field. My course being an undergraduate degree certainly helped accessibility, which in turn helps the industry become more diverse. I went from thinking I could never do a degree to graduating with a First. I don’t say this to show off or gloat, I’m sharing this because I hope it will be helpful for others who might be struggling themselves, or supporting others, or considering training to be a counsellor. This isn’t a “you can do anything if you put your mind to it” because I think there are too many barriers in the world against people, and it takes a certain level of privilege to get there. But emotionally, it can be possible to overcome old narratives and build your self-worth and self-esteem. You’ll maybe notice I haven’t talked much about body image… because it was never really about that. My body image issues were the surface problem, but were really deeply rooted in self-worth, and by working on myself I’ve in turn helped my relationship with food and my body. I now believe in myself enough to know that my body is probably the least interesting thing about me, and my values and my passions are the most important thing. I am extremely grateful to now work with clients struggling with low self-esteem and self-worth, and body image/eating problems, as well as past trauma and abuse. This work is such a privilege and a gift. Thank you for reading my story. I offer counselling online, please get in touch to request a free 15-minute introductory chat.
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