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StopSO are a UK charity working with people at risk of sexual offending or who are concerned about their behaviour. It might be those who are being investigated for crimes, those who have been convicted, or people who have never been in trouble with the law but are concerned about their thoughts about children. StopSO also work with partners and family members of offenders, as the impact on the people around them can be traumatic, as well as with survivors of abuse. I joined StopSO having been aware of their important work for many years, as I’m a strong advocate for perpetrator and offender work. This, I believe, is the real way to prevent and tackle abuse. I previously worked with domestic abuse perpetrators – you can read my experiences and reflections on this here. This post is for anybody interested in StopSO work; whether you’re looking for support for yourself or a loved one, if you’re a fellow therapist, or if you’re simply curious. I will share some of my reflections, but confidentiality is crucial, so I do not share any client details. Further resources and contacts are listed at the end.  Why I Chose to Work with Offenders In my first year of counselling training, we were asked if there were any client groups we would not want to work with. Almost everyone said perpetrators and offenders, particularly paedophiles. I was quite taken aback because these were the very clients I was leaning towards working with. Surely these are the people who need it the most, I thought. Although I had some doubts in myself and how I would get there, I knew from then on it was important for me to work with these client groups. I felt, and still passionately feel, that prevention of abuse is crucial, and this means working with perpetrators and offenders to help change patterns of behaviour and break cycles. Working with Domestic Abuse Perpetrators A few years later, the opportunity presented itself. I got a job working on a Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programme, which taught me so much and challenged my assumptions about working with the assumed “bad guys.” I’ve always been interested in why people do what they do, especially those who cause harm to others. I don’t believe that people are born “evil” or “bad.” I believe that people may use risky or harmful behaviours, but that doesn’t make them a “bad” person. The reasons why people abuse others are complex, often influenced by childhood development, attachment styles, relationships growing up and socio-cultural factors. As this work is specialised and involves higher levels of risk, specialist training is required for therapists to join StopSO. It seemed the natural step on from my domestic abuse work, though I started to realise my other specialism was incredibly useful in this work too. Stigma and Shame My other passion lies in eating disorders, body image and weight stigma - you can read more about this work here. Being a StopSO therapist means working with a very stigmatised and shamed client group… and working in eating disorders is quite similar. Clients in both areas can feel anxious, fearful, embarrassed, and ashamed when starting therapy. Shame is a painful emotion and often runs deep in both client groups. It shows the power of body and appearance pressures in our society when many people feel such an extent of body shame. For both eating disorder clients and StopSO clients, all need to feel assured that they will not be judged or further shamed. Building trust in the therapeutic relationship is crucial. This is why it’s so important for therapists to work on their own biases and challenge internalised societal narratives and stigma, as well as having robust support and supervision. The discourse in the media and online about sexual offenders can be brutal. Understandably, many therapists don’t want to work in this field, sometimes due to their own personal triggers. For me, working with stigmatised and ostracised people, and offering them space to speak the unspeakable, is vital. What StopSO Therapy Involves StopSO clients have the assurance of knowing they can speak to someone who understands their situation and has been trained to work with their unique needs, without judgment. Online offences are the most common. We often see people who have been arrested, having had “the knock” from the police, and had devices seized for investigation. This may be to search for Child Sexual Abuse Material (CSAM) or records of chats or contact with minors. The term “child pornography” is often used, but as children cannot consent, these are images of crime scenes, hence the terminology. These investigations can take up to two years, although it varies across the UK, which puts both the suspect and their families into a long, gruelling state of limbo. This is part of what we can support with: processing the difficult emotions of the situation, helping clients understand the big “why” (though there may not be a simple answer), and working on changing and managing behaviours going forward. Many people may have suicidal thoughts during this time, and the situation often intersects with existing difficulties such as mental health struggles, addictions, or relationship problems. Clients can often experience grief for their lives before “the knock”, and deep guilt and shame for the impact on their loved ones. Many want to understand their behaviours, take accountability and make a change. Everybody deserves help to do this, as this may also prevent further harm for victims, families and children. Change is PossibleOur society too often takes a strong punishment narrative towards sexual offenders, often seeing them as “monsters” and wishing violence upon them. But a punishment approach usually only serves to cause more hurt and pain, and acts as a barrier to change. People who hurt others have often been hurt themselves. They may have had difficult childhoods, attachment or developmental issues, may be neurodivergent or struggle to fit in, have been bullied, or feel isolated. None of these factors excuse or directly cause offending behaviour, but they are important in understanding how to help and make change possible. The Risk of “Paedophile Hunters”The punishment mindset has paved the way for “paedophile hunter” style groups, who take a naming and shaming approach, often using social media to live stream stings and humiliate people. These approaches are rooted in revenge and punishment, and they create more risk, not just for the person targeted but also for their families and friends. These groups put children at greater risk, despite claiming to protect them, as suspects or offenders often have children who may or may not have been in danger but will almost certainly be traumatised by having a parent publicly shamed. Partners, children, parents, and friends are often questioned, blamed, and shamed for the offender’s actions, adding to the trauma of the whole situation. Children of offenders are at risk of bullying and abuse at school, in the community, and online. This is why it’s so important that family members of offenders can access therapy with a StopSO therapist who understands and will not judge the situation, who can help them process complicated feelings. A Compassionate Approach to Prevention People deserve support, not punishment. It’s important to see the whole person and understand the nuanced, complex influences behind sexual offending. This therapeutic work benefits from a strengths-based and trauma-informed approach, holding empathy and compassion at the same time as accountability, without collusion.
I feel passionately that this work is so vital and am deeply grateful for StopSO and others in this field who are working tirelessly to tackle child abuse with humanity and compassion. I work with individual adults over 18, offenders and victims or those who are worried about their behaviour. StopSO have a pool of therapists all over the UK, some of whom also work with children, couples and families. To find out more or refer yourself/somebody else to StopSO, click here. Stop It Now Helpline: 0808 1000 900 Stop It Now Self-help Modules For professionals interested in StopSO training, click here. Recommended reading for therapists:
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