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I've had a strange fascination with the Manosphere for many years. In fact, it was a big influence in leading me to work with people who cause harm. I used to work on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme, and now work with StopSO with people being investigated/charged with sexual crimes against children. I’ve always been interested in why people harm others. I wouldn't simply settle for them being "bad" people or "wrong-uns". There's a complex mix of factors which lead to perpetrating harm, and for some people, change is possible. I've worked with men who have desperately wanted to change their behaviour, and have done so, leading to a ripple effect of breaking cycles of abuse in their families.  When I first learnt about the Manosphere, I was horrified, outraged and angry - as we should be! But I came to see the shame and vulnerability in this online world. The men and boys lured in are being groomed and exploited. This doesn’t take away the fact that women and girls are hugely harmed by this movement, being sexualised and exploited. Misogyny is being normalised and promoted. Theroux's documentary did shine a light on some of the so-called “influencers”, but they didn't name the sexual exploitation, grooming, domestic abuse/coercive control, or the assault (of the "predator" that happened on camera). They focused only on one part of the Manosphere, when in reality there are many subsections (e.g. incels, MGTOW) and some of them really hate the alpha influencers. These influencers were given way too much airtime in the documentary. It felt like a feature-length HSTikkyTokky advert at times. Awareness and outrage are important but doesn’t always help the situation. As much as we might want to mock them (I’ll admit that it was enjoyable watching HS get told off by his mum at the end), it only makes them double down on their message. It triggers more defensiveness due to underlying shame. The Manosphere is full of hypocrisy, which is one of the main aspects that seems to help people leave it behind. From anecdotes I’ve read on social media, men leave the Manosphere when they realise the promises they were sold are not reality. It’s much like diet culture – packaging happiness and success as a “look”, sold to people who struggle with self-esteem and confidence. It’s exploitation and grifting, making money off people’s shame. The power won't last forever for these influencers. HS will be unheard of in a few years but there will be another guy in his place. The problem is not so much about the individuals but the culture that creates it. So what are men and boys looking for when they approach the Manosphere? Likely connection, a place they feel they belong, a way to build confidence? Therapy would actually serve them well but I think this group are very unlikely to access it. Sharing stories from men who have left the Manosphere is important. They talk of realising the hypocrisy and the lies. They had been brainwashed and groomed into believing something harmful to others and themselves. There are some great people trying to do important work in schools on healthy relationships, media literacy, challenging gender stereotypes, etc. Through my work, I’ve recognised the importance of acknowledging risk and harm, and the need for accountability, whilst having compassion and understanding. This is not colluding; this is working to meet people where they’re at to prevent further harm. It’s needed when working with people who cause harm, because beyond the words and the defensive masks, there can be a lot of fragility and shame. Many will likely have experienced difficulties in childhood, e.g. bullying, financial hardship, and witnessing domestic abuse. They may not have learnt how to manage their own emotions or have role models for this. Many of these boys would have been anxious, traumatised, neurodivergent, and felt like they didn’t fit in. They’re looking for safety in online communities. This safety may also come in using exercise or food to cope (disordered eating), clinging to the performance of masculinity to try to feel protected and safe. There is a huge focus on appearance in the Manosphere, in terms of what they expect from women but also for themselves, leading to some potentially self-harming behaviours, e.g. as part of “looksmaxxing”. I recommend the documentary “The Truth about Looksmaxxing: the World of Perfect Looks” for more on this and a further exploration of the Manosphere. It's important to have an idea of what goes on in these communities, but there’s no need to get caught up in all the lingo (nor “emoji codes” as suggested by Adolescence) as this often seems to change anyway. The overarching theme is that gender expectations and patriarchy harm everyone, including men in the Manosphere. We can’t force change on anyone but we can help by challenging gender conformity and by helping to role model emotional expression for boys. Ultimately, being free of the Manosphere and Red Pill ideologies involves building confidence and self-worth, which can’t be bought from an influencer with a pyramid scheme. Recommendations and further learning Red Pill course (CPD) for therapists Various books by Laura Bates Entitled by Kate Manne Ben Zand documentaries/videos (various about incels, the manosphere, looksmaxxing, etc) Check out my other blogs here. If you’re interested in my counselling service, click here. I also have a video on this topic:
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